Saturday, December 1, 2012

Some Reasons NOT to Read Fanfiction

For all those who have loved a book, a TV show, or a movie so much that they didn't want the stories to end, there is a world called fanfiction where both the best and the worst writers come together. Personally, I've read quite a few stories myself and have a lot of times been impressed with how creative fans could be and how they could weave stories that are sometimes even better than the originals.

However, anyone who has read fanfiction will tell you that for every one great story there are about a hundred horrible, pluck-your-eyes-out fanfics, and it can often get so frustrating that you just want to  take your computer and chuck it out the window. In light of this fact, I have put together a few good reasons NOT to read fanfiction. 

Close your windows; secure your devices; and hold on tight.

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Fanfiction is a melting pot for the worst spelling and grammatical errors ever. This makes for the funniest lines and the biggest headaches.

I admit that I can be very meticulous when it comes to spelling mistakes and grammatical errors--of others, that is--but fanfiction is a whole different level. You either have to learn how to live with it, or stop reading fanfiction entirely, because while a lot of authors write well and will make the effort to proofread, most of them won't even bother. In fact, you'd swear these people make mistakes on purpose just to make your eye twitch. Here are a few examples:
  • "People's lives are at steak as is the fate of this country, our country." Mmm, steak!
  • "Everything was quite.Quite what? QUITE WHAT?!
  • " 'You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin.' Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong) to it he added silently." I don't even...*gives up*...Nope, dat is not speld rong at oll. Gud job Harry Potter fanfiction writer.
My suggestion? This:



RUN M*****F****** RUN!
Still, you'd have to hand it to people, because I have read some of the world's funniest lines ever while skimming through random stories. Here are some of them:
  • "Shepard now struggled with his bowels, having to make the most difficult decision his long and eventful military career had submitted." 
  • "Oh! My panties are still in the elevator."
  • "YES!!! MY SWEET MEAT PRODUCT! YOU ARE MINE, ALL MINE!" 
Just three examples. I'm lazy like that.

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You'll know you're in for a ride when the author's notes starts of with this:
    
Rated R for strong adult language, sex, violence and blood content. 

And ends with this:

********************QUOTE********************
AGAIN AS A FINAL WARNING: THIS STORY CONTAINS HEAVY SEX, ABULT LANGUAGE AND TALKS ABOUT MY PERSONAL ENCOUNTER WITH LINK. THIS STORY IS BASED ON DREAMS, DREAMS ABOUT MY LIFE WITH HIM. IF YOU FIND THE CONTENT OF THIS STORY TO BE OFFENSEVE, QUEER, OR PLAIN OUT OFF THE WALL, THEN DO NOT READ ON!!!!!!! I HAVE GOTTEN WAY TO MANY FLAMES ABOUT THE CONTENT OF THIS STORY WHEN I HAVE PLACED SEVERAL WARNINGS!!!! I WILL NOT ACCECPT (Reading this out loud sounds like clearing up phlegm.) ANY MORE FLAMES, RAMBLINGS, CUSSING OR EXCESSIVE LASHING OUT ABOUT THE CHAR JENNA, OR REVIEWS ABOUT THE CONTENT OF THIS STORY, EXCESSIVE LASHING OUT, VICIOUS ATTACKS AGAINST MY PERSONALITY, OR NON-MATURE CONSTRUCTIVE CRITISIM (But it's constructive! ^_^ )!!! ANY REVIEWS SUBMITTED THAT DO NOT FOLLOW THE ABOUVE GUIDLINES, WILL BE DELETED IMMEDIATELY! THESE WARNINGS ARE NOT THERE TO LOOK PRETTY (You got that right.), THE AUTHORS PLACE WARNINGS FOR A REASON!!! IT IS TO TELL YOU WHAT THE CONTENT OF THE STORY IS SO THAT IF THE READER FINDS THE CONTENT OF THE STORY OFFENSIVE, THEY WILL NOT READ ON!!! <CUT>

..BLAH BLAH BLAH... Something about not forcing people to read at gun point...Mentions of RESOPONSIBILITY... More ranting... By now, the author already probably looks like this:



<AAAND RESUME> IT’S A DAMN SHAME TO KNOW THAT THERE ARE ADULTS OUT THERE WHO CANNOT CONDUCTIVE (As opposed to insulative, I guess?) THEMSELVES IN THE SIMPLEST MANORS (Shame on them! Those manors are EXPENSIVE!) THEIR PARENTS HAVE TAUGHT THEM! ALSO LEAVING MALICIOUS REVIEWS IS ALSO A SIGN OF LOW SELF-ESTEEM. IF ALL YOU PEOPLE KNOW HOW DO IS ATTACK SOMEONE VICIOUSLY (Say what?), IT’S A SIGN OF SELFISHNESS AND NO RESPECT FOR ONES-SELF! I SUGGEST TO ALL READERS WHO ARE THINKING ABOUT LEAVING A MALICIOUS REVIEW FOR ME, PLEASE GET A HOBBY AND LEARN TO CONTROL YOUR ANGER(And the irony award goes to...), BECAUSE YOUR ONLY HURTING YOURSELF, NOT ME! ALSO LEAVING A NASTY REVIEW ONLY MAKES YOU LOOK STUPID (This is true, actually.), NOT ME!

I FIND IT VERY RIDICULOUS THAT I HAD TO LEAVE A WARNING THIS LONG, BUT IT IS BECAUSE OF THE VERY IMMATURE READERS THAT HAVE SUBMITTED NASTY CHILDISH REVIEWS!

AGAIN, PLEASE READ THE ABOVE CONTEXT BEFORE READING ON!!!!
****************END QUOTE********************

And so on, and so on. No, really. There's more. I find it funny because with all the time and effort the anonymous author put into making this, there's a good chance that he/she just received even more hateful reviews. I didn't even read past the author's notes and I felt like leaving a bad review. The entire internet is a playground for immature kids, you know.

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50 Shades of Grey.


Harapang Pabalat


If you haven't read it yet, I suggest you try reading it. No wait, I dare you to try reading it. So far I can't really bash it properly seeing as I haven't even read any book from the trilogy (Yes, trilogy. I know.), but from what I heard from a friend and some random quotes I saw online, the book is pretty sick. Depending on your book taste and how you define the word "sick", this can either be a good thing or a bad thing. You want to know what I heard about this book series? I heard that if you made a movie out of it you've basically made porn. BDSM porn.

Seriously, though. 50 Shades of Grey is a book that came from a piece of fanfiction that was based on the bad-book-turned-bad-movie TWILIGHT. Now, I have to admit that this book sounds completely different from its inspiration, but honestly it doesn't really sound better, just a completely different kind of bad. Don't take my word for it, though. Everything above comes from someone who has not read one page of 50 Shades-anything, which means I could be right on the money or way way off . You read it and tell me how it is because it doesn't look like I'll be reading this trilogy because of this little spoiler:

"Christian pulls Ana’s bloody tampon out of HER ACTUAL BODY before boning." 

Talk about 50 Shades of GROSS.
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As a conclusion, I feel that it's necessary to point out that the fanfiction world is a great way to read awesome, creative stories and get to know fellow writers. It's just that sometimes, you could land yourself in the bad part of fanfiction and are exposed to absolutely atrocious grammar, meaningless (take note of this descriptor) erotic literature, and crazy, schizophrenic authors. I know this because I've been to that area, and it's one place in the web that a normal person wouldn't particularly enjoy being in. 

Now I don't know how to end this, so here's a GIF on how to properly use chopsticks instead. I hope you learn something, because I sure did. o_O

How to Use Chopsticks

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